Not quite ready for 4H

Although I have not followed the story well enough to know the details, lots of people are talking about the woman who sent her adopted son back to Russia, along with a note that said she no longer wished to parent this child! Nevertheless, because we have an adopted child, I have some thoughts on the subject.

Here are some of the issues that I think might be needing to be brought to light. One is that right here in America there are thousands of children legally available to be adopted. Another is that adoptive couples may not realize how challenging it can be to adopt a child who has inherited genetics or other background issues such as abandonment or abuse that may be very foreign to the couple's own genetics or background.

Why do so many people go abroad to adopt when there are so many American children needing families? I believe one reason may be that the couples fear that if they adopt American children they may have to deal with the child's birthparent or other members of her extended family.

In our child's case, she came to us at age sixteen days. She had been in a "foster home" (I use the quotation marks because I do not know if it was a licensed home) the first fifteen days of her life. The foster mother was arrested for attempting to murder the foster father! So, in addition to being born addicted to illegal drugs her birthmother had been using during pregnancy, she was placed in a chaotic environment.

Then, there was the matter of birthmother's mental health issues. She had been diagnosed with just about every serious mental disorder you may have heard of. A baby she had given birth to about one year before our child was born, was brought in for a supervised visit with the mother. The mother became angry at the caseworker, and threw the baby at the caseworker! So, when our visits were set up a year later with the same mother and our foster child, security personnel were always present, and we were ushered in through a side entrance. Sure enough, the mother did not succeed in her court-ordered treatment plan, and we adopted the child.

Our child is now six. She is beginning to have more and more difficulty socially. She can hold it together for much of a day, but almost always has a meltdown in the late afternoon or evening. Recently she was at a 4H dinner, and had been doing well, until after her assigned chores were completed and she was playing with a group of boys. She followed them into the boys bathroom. A man saw her go in, and, as I understand it, was rather gruff in telling her to get out. She responded by giving him the middle finger (which she later explained to me she was merely pointing her middle finger towards the ceiling). Yeah, right. The woman who was head of the 4H was summoned, but our daughter informed her that she did not have to listen to her because she was not her mother. Our daughter will have the consequence of not going with the family to any 4H events until next fall, when hopefully she will be mature enough to behave appropriately.

If her social interactions continue to be troublesome, we do have access to help, and we will take advantage of that. Our child has already accomplished many things that earlier professionals who worked with her would never have thought to be possible. The occupational therapist who worked with her in her early years thought she may have cerebral palsy (she is exceptionally gifted physically, and is quite the little athlete). Another professional thought she would be below average intelligence (She is at least average, and can beat her dad in the card game "memory"). We will resist medicating her unless it is an absolute last resort.

We talk to her about God's love and our faith in God, and take her to church, where she attends Sunday school. She knows about Jesus, whom she continues to pronounce "Cheesus." (She loves cheese). She has a good heart, and we would appreciate your prayers.