Prying open the coffin

Ready for some death jokes?
1. A doctor calls his patient and says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient asks, "What is the good news?"
The doctor says, "I got your test results, and you only have 24 hours to live."
The patient asks, "That's the good news? What's the bad news?"
The doctor answers, "I forgot to call you yesterday when I got these results."

2.(This is one Republicans should pay attention to as they debate issues of purity.)
A man is walking across a bridge and sees another man about to jump off the bridge in an apparent suicide attempt. The would-be-rescuer goes up to the man and says, "Don't do it!" The other man says, "Why not?" He says, "Because there is so much to live for. Are you a religious man?" "Yes." "Me, too! See, we have something in common already, so let's talk this thing though! Are you Christian or Jew?" The suicider says, "Christian." The other man excitedly says, "Me, too!" Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me, too! Baptist or Episcopalian?" "Baptist." "Me, too! Baptist Church of God, or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God." "Me, too!" Reformed Baptist Church of God or Original Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me, Too! Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Church of God Reformation of 1919?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1919."

The would-be-rescuer says, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushes him off the bridge.
from Heidegger and a Hippo Walk Through Those Pearly Gates.