The Tragic, ABSOLUTELY True Story Of Peeps! Stay Away From The PEEPS!!!

The following text is quoted from the codices found in the caves of Flintus Stonus in the hills just above ancient Holy Wood Land, a district known to be inhabited by those peoples said to have been familiar with an ancient rite involving herbs and mushrooms with the Grateful Dead playing in the background. In 1967, the period of time known by archeologists as Summeris Totalis Acidus, a time known for it's explosion of newly found discoveries of texts related to times and places of antiquity that apparently could not be seen until then through the use of new highly sophisticated technological drug therapies. Dr. Robert "Stencil" Lewis was personally on sight when his house boy/student assistant found several writings on the inside of a refuse receptacle said to have been dated from the Early Hiesenhauer period. The writing, mere fragments, were at first deemed to be merely ancient to-do lists of local artisans and shopkeepers, and in fact, that's what they were. Examples follow:

- look up Quintus Pernius, ask him what's up

- check to make sure the wine has been delivered

- check again to make sure the wine has been delivered

- pop round to Jesus' place to pick up the table and chairs

- make last payment on table and chairs

- pay tax on wine sales

- pay bribe to not have to pay tax on wine sales

- don't forget to erase this last line about bribes

Later, further investigation revealed that the texts were actually part of a larger body of various works of merely routine lists and short reports of local happenings, apparently at the request of government officials in the area interested in the legal proceedings surrounding the local wine and beer distributorships.

The mention of a character named "Jesus" led to great interest among the scholars at the time, who all thought they were at the time or had been Jesus in a past life. 

As to the original place of discovery of the codices, the answer was given simply that it was part of a really bad trip, and that the “vibe could not be revisited due to seriously bad mojo.”

THE FLINTUS STONUS TEXTS

...and there seemed to be a sufficient interest there about things related to the times at hand, and things that had occurred before. Todd, son of Gregor, the WIne-bibber, was asked whether he remembered such. He said that he had vague recollections of having kind of generally been around at basically the somewhat approximate time that Jesus may have been around as well. And so he continued, 

“Well, as I recall, I may have been a little bit hung over that day. The guys, I called them all "the guys", you know, because they were the guys that hung around with me and Jesus, you see. Anyway, I was up all night, me, Jesus and the guys, just shootin' the bull, when Jesus comes down from this mountain to apparently announce who would be his followers, right? Well, like I said, we were up all night, and I crashed right in some "lady's" place, if you know what I mean? So Jesus is all like, "All right, here is my list of guys!" So he calls all of them, you know, Peter, Thomas, Thad, John, etc. Right? All the way to number eleven. Then He says "Todd!" "Yo, Where's my main man Todd? Not here, huh? Oh well, Judas, I guess you'll do as a replacement. No offense, though, but Todd is still the man! So where am I at the time? Face down in Mary Magdelene's rose bushes, thorns and all, dead to the world. Like I said, I may have been a little hung over. 

So the next few years are kind of a blur on account of me needing to be ahead of everywhere Jesus and the guys were going. What, you think they didn't need Road management? I did just about all the meeting setups, except the miracles, I had nothing to do with them. There's some things only Jesus can do, get it?

So anyway, you guys wanted to know about my take on that last night, right? I was late. I was coming in as Judas was leaving, and there was a real heavy vibe in the room, if you know what I mean. And so Jesus gets up and says, 

"Verily, i say unto you that as a sign of newness of life, thou shalt remember me with eggs, colored variously, Made of chocolate and of various other sweet confections as you prefer, bunny rabbits either hollow or solid, although the solid are to be the more preferred. A miracle formula I will give unto you to allow you to make an egg that will not have the taste of egg, but will rather have the taste of chocolate that is white as snow! You shall call it the holy Cadbury. However, in order to show your children the futility and frustration of life, you shall hide these wonderful treats all about and force them to collect these and other senseless and useless trinkets in embarrassingly gay colored baskets. You shall force them to parade around in scratchy and uncomfortable clothes while adults take embarrassing pictures of them that they use to remind them of the pain of this day in future days, so as to prolong the agony and punishment of this most frustrating of days.”

Todd seemed to go into a daze, or was it a trance, or maybe a flashback, who knows? He seemed to be thinking of something terrible, shocking, and altogether frightful. They asked him what this was about, and he answered in a moan, "Peeps!" Peeps, peeps and more peeps! Ah, the horror of it all! The Peeps! I was there! I was there when the deal was made! He wept openly now, almost inconsolably. "For you see, there is a dark secret about Peeps. A deal was made for my very own soul that night. A deal made in sugar, corn starch, a little food coloring, and blood! Hear this, sons of men, Todd said:

     "For when upon your tongue a Peep you taste,

     A soul from purgatory to Hell makes haste!" 

(II Obtusias 8:11 & 12)

It was his own dark secret, his deal with the Devil himself. Peeps are the souls of the damned, incased in the sweet marsh of mallows. It was either that or spend eternity In Tulsa as a Mormon Scientologist. What would you do? 

(So ends the fragment of text known as the testimony of the pseudo-apostle, Todd.)

I present this each year just before Easter in the hopes that the pour souls trapped may be allowed their own safe purgatory. The suffering and pain associated with the festival of Easter must be stopped, what with the deliberate hiding of things from children, and the high levels of frustration they endure. Think of their fragile psyches, for God's sake!  This is a world wide tragedy, and must be stopped! 
 - Cliff